i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
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I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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