There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
