i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
