I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
