Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
