my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
