Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
