I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
