im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
