Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
