I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
