It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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