just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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