If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
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