wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
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I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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