yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
