In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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