Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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