I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
