i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
