I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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