He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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