cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
