I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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