highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just pee around me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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