On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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