Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
