Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
