Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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