I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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