so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
