I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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