I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
