Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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