You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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