Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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