Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
