I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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