from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
