she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You don't make any sense
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