My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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