Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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