i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
