shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
