Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
