HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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