omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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