I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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