come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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