The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
