I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
