Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
