wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
