yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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